Categories
Connecting

Conversation

Recovered from the Wayback Machine.

I am working on a follow up post on tags and folksonomies, but the going is slow, not the least because I’ve been helping folks with trackback spam and various other technical problems. Too much so at one point because I think I deleted good trackbacks along with bad in one instance.

I will say that the most effective defense I’ve found is to turn off trackbacks and comments on all entries over one week old. From the attacks on my various weblogs, all have been focused on older posts. Unfortunately, it looks as if the older version of Movable Type, 2.6x, disregards this instruction and lets some or all trackbacks through. WordPress stops them dead when the status is closed. I’m not sure how other tools handle this.

I’ve always liked trackbacks because it gives people a chance to become part of a conversation. Even if you don’t specifically address a post in your writing, if you think the readers of the post would be interested in what you wrote, you could send a trackback and help the conversation flow. Referrer tracking in Technorati and other tools doesn’t provide this.

However, since people aren’t using Trackbacks for this purpose, maybe it is time to close the door on this functionality. Pingbacks, too. Especially pingbacks, because these are nothing more than link referrers, and this kind of information can be found in Technorati.

To return to the new tags/folksonomy post, it threatens to be even larger than my previous one. I know this is against accepted practice, and I also notice that it plays havoc with the weblogging technology; but I’m enjoying the approach of finding other people’s entries on the topic, and grabbing their links and the bit of text I wanted to highlight and putting it into the work in progress. I’m finding that the post writes itself, as it adjusts to each new thread added. It’s been a long time since I’ve enjoyed writing, as much as I have these recent essays and my other slower, more thoughtful writings.

I gather from a couple of people’s writings that David Weinberger’s after dinner speech at the recent Bloggers Journalist conference touched on the nature of weblogging and conversations, especially as it related to the style of our writings. For instance, he talked about how the typical weblogger writes daily and sometimes several times a day; that the entries tend to be short, and unedited, either before or after publication. Among the writings, conversations are fast — bang bang bang — weblogger A writes on a topic and B responds almost immediately.

Jon Garfunkel from Civilities, who attended the dinner and the conference, jotted down a transcript of the pertinent parts in a long response. He says of himself, then if this is the criteria he must not be a weblogger. We’ve been over this ground before, but I liked what he said on completeness. Of course, I would because it supports my longer works, such as the essays I’ve done recently on tags and digital identities:

Certainly, there is a great value in voicing incomplete thoughts. I tend to do mine over a glass of wine (or three, as the case was that evening). Or I just do it in an email, or, if I want to do it publicly, I go do it on the mailing list or forum or blog where a conversation has started. I have no angst about the fact that some of my online presence may exist on David Weinberger’s blog, or on the Personal Democracy Forum, or on the Massachusetts Democratic Future mailing list.

But I need a place to show off my completed work. I collect facts, I research; I find quotes, and I try to check them. I listen and re-listen to an audiofile to do the very first transcription. I visit the library to find offline books and old newspaper, I scan in images that have no online prescence of themselves. I’m not writing myself into an online existence, but other things, facts and totems which have no power of themselves to join into something greater: this is what goes almost each piece on Civilities.

If I have one caveat with Jon is that it seems he’s arguing on the side of long and complete, where David argued on the side of short and conversational. I’m right in the middle in that sometimes I feel short; sometimes I feel long, and can’t I have it both ways?

Yule disagreed with David, but her focus was primarily on the speed of posts and fast conversations:

Conversations don’t have to be fast, and besides: fast is always a competition, and when you start getting into competitiveness, you lose me. I can’t compete with you, or at least I don’t want to. Conversations, David says, are the lifeblood of weblogging, but the way “conversation” starts getting defined here turns that art into a competition. The conversation becomes a question of having conversations in comments, of having conversations with other webloggers, especially by linking to them profusely, and the goal is to have different perspectives in conversation with one another. That’s fine as far as it goes, but I feel that the problem is that you’re starting to define conversation as a fast-paced essentially inward-closing circle.

I can identity with this strongly. I have seen, time and again, where a group of people used to communicating with each other get into this loop among themselves, referencing each others writings so tightly that it forms an iron ring around the conversation making it virtually impossible for slower, or newer, voices to enter the fray. Yet, much of the conversations that happen in this context are ones that happen over and over again, because its the same people arguing the same topics–there is no entry of new blood, and new voices into the midst of the rapid fire postings.

But there is no tried and true alternative to this one, either, because if we all don’t want to post short bursts across each other’s horizen, neither do we all want to post long, slow to perculate, thoughtful responses. In fact, I think the two complement each other in that the longer responses tend to gather all the short bursts together; building stories around them that enables others to join into the conversation.

I guess I’m a fence sitter, post up my butt, about this conversation about conversation. Except for one thing: the importance of perspectives in our conversations and the mechanism that enables this–the link.

David Weinberger also talked about how in our conversations, different perspectives emerge and it is these perspectives, combined, that forms much of the objectivity around a topic in weblogging. You and you and I may have subjective views of a topic, but combined, we have an objective whole. How do we get the difference perspectives? Through links. Lately, though, linking has become more of a mark of favor than a sign of interest.

Rebecca Blood also responded to David’s talk, but about the statement he made on ethics (one speech, so many responses). She wrote:

First of all, publishing a weblog is not at all like a conversation between two people, it’s more like speaking in front of a room full of people–some of them trusted, some of them strangers–and having every word you say recorded and catalogued for future random retrieval. So that analogy doesn’t work.

Even if it did, honorable people do apply ethics to their conversations, most commonly the ethic of telling the truth to the best of one’s ability, not repeating a confidence from one person to another, and representing one’s friends kindly–or at least, fairly–when they are not there. In fact, I would argue that personal conversations work best when such ethics are in place: I simply couldn’t speak freely to my husband if I thought that anything I said might be repeated at work the next day, and I would have trouble confiding in a friend who, in my absence, just sat silently when I was being unfairly represented.

I can agree with Rebecca about weblogging — it isn’t a conversation between two people. If it were, it should happen in emails or on the phone, sparing us the idea that we’re outsiders being priviledged to overhear great minds in conversation. But she said something else that bothered me, in that we shouldn’t stand silently by when our friends are not being treated kindly, or are unfairly represented.

Should we then, only speak up in defense of our friends? Should we always speak up in defense of our friends? If so, how do we define ‘unfair representation’? If I’ve learned one thing in four years of weblogging, subjectively we all suck at being objective. So then, how can we have conversations, or even decent exchanges of ideas and opinions, if much of this is broken down into ‘friend’ and ‘not friend’, qualitified by subjective terms such as fair and unfair, kind or not?

I am especially attuned to this one because I have angered folks who I have never had direct contact with, only because I have been critical of the writing or actions of a person who they are ‘friends’ with. It wasn’t that they disagreed with my writing so much, as they disagreed with the fact that I disagree with their friend. Yet if our friends make outrageous or provocative statements shouldn’t they, then, defend themselves? Is the person being a ‘friend’ enough to discount the statements of those who disagree, regardless of the merit of the respective statements?

More, is it enough to discount a person in perpetuity because they have disagreed, either with ourselves or with our friends in the past? This strikes me as the height of intellectual dishonesty–the quality of our writing and the force of our words no longer matter: all that matters is who is friend and who is not friend.

And I don’t even want to get into the increasing parsimony of linking that is appearing, particularly in certain circles who weight all their conversations on the pagerank scale, before deciding who is worthy of a link or a response. Especially with that abysmal masquerade of a HTML hack, nofollow, aiding and abetting the increasing fragmentation of our conversations; giving ‘juice’ to those liked, and withholding it from those we dislike.

At least we can be thankful people aren’t refusing links to others, regardless of friend or foe status or quality of writing, just because some folks don’t include the full content of their posts within their syndication feeds.

Oh. Wait

Categories
Diversity

My first man woman post of the new year

Recovered from the Wayback Machine.

I never feel totally complete until I’ve written my first man/woman post of the new year. Thankfully, I’ve been given an opportunity tonight. Lauren from Feministe points to an article written by a Fox journalist about opening a door for a woman and her getting irritated by the act. Michelle of A Small Victory joined in on the discussion at her site, which can usually be counted on to be a good show.

Lauren and Roxanne debated the truth of the story, primarily because they have not seen a woman respond angrily for having the door held open for them.

Michele, though, thinks the story is accurate and puts on a pretty good rant about women such as this. The part I liked best follows:

Yet there are women who feel coddled and like lesser beings when someone – in particular a male someone – extends a courtesy to them. I can’t imagine the size of the stick that needs to be up one’s ass in order to feel slighted by an act of politeness. It must be painful to walk around like that all day. And I wonder what the same woman would think if a man walked into a store in front of her and let the door just close behind him – she would probably tell him that he’s insensitive to the needs of women and is therefore a misogynist.

You can’t win with people like that. You’re either making them feel like puny humans or you’re being condescending by trying to not make them feel like puny humans. If having a door held open for you makes you feel weak, then I suggest you have some deep-rooted problems in regards to male figures and your militant feminism is only going to exacerbate your already seething hatred towards the male species. Here’s their core belief:

Men are evil.
Men who are nice are even more evil because they are only being nice in order to subjugate you.

Personally, I like evil men. I like men with black hair, black eyes, and black hearts. When they have their way with you, they’re doing so because they really want to, not because they’re being polite. It’s a boost to one’s self-esteem.

Seriously, I have never seen a woman get mad at a man for him holding the door open for her. I have seen people a little frustrated when the person holding the door is 50 feet away, thereby forcing the recipient of the courtesy to sprint for the exit so as not to seem like they’re taking advantage of the kindness.

I hold doors open for anyone behind me when I deem letting it go would close it in their face. I also open doors for elderly people, people with lots of packages, lots of kids, or both. I have rarely seen anyone who doesn’t perform this simple act of courtesy.

But I think that Lauren, Roxanne, and Michele all missed something in Cavuto’s description. According to his writing, earlier he had stepped out of the way to let the woman off the elevator. I think readers assumed that he did so when he was getting on. However, if he also held the door open for the lady, he must have been getting off at the same floor as she, and was in the front of the elevator. When the doors opened, he would have probably stepped aside and gestured for her to leave first.

Now, I also do this in elevators – for old people or others who are infirm, or if the elevator is full and I have the best access to either the door or the open button. If this happened to me, and it was only the two of us, I would have felt uncomfortable with the gesture. Now, if he did this, and then sprinted ahead of me to hold the door open, and did so with a coy flourish, I might have made a comment to the effect that I am neither old nor infirm, but thank you all the same. Depending on how much flourish he used would determine the degree of crispness I imbued into my response.

That’s the devil in tales such as these: making a judgment of behavior based on one event and one perspective, when acts such as these usually follow on a sequence of intricate, interwoven events.

I would agree with Michele that the writer is most likely not lying, but I do think he has a biased perspective. Of course he has–all writers do. I would also say that the woman’s response could be accurate as portrayed, but when viewed from the perspective of the events I surmised from the writing, could also be quite understandable.

Additionally, and this to Mr. Cavuto: I don’t know about the door thing, but following a woman who obviously has no interest in your company and asking what got the bug up her butt will get you arrested here in Missouri, and most of the other 50 states. It’s called harassment.

My, that was a fun exercise. Now, where are the women of weblogging?

Categories
Connecting Diversity

The extrapolation factor

Recovered from the Wayback Machine.

Doug points to a post by Broad at Bat who discusses a recent dinner with friends and one couple’s behavior to each other. Specifically, she focuses on the wife, Sandy’s, behavior to her husband, Mark.

Later, Mark was telling us a story – nothing rude or anything, just something that happened earlier in the day – and in the middle of a sentence Sandy told him that was enough and we didn’t need to hear any more about it. He tried to finish his thought and she interrupted again, even more forcefully. That was when he shot Doc the WTF look, and Doc could only shrug helplessly. It was just a story! And one that I was enjoying, thankyaveddymuch. Aargh. Again, mouth dropped open, bit tongue, jesus, it’s no wonder I have jaw problems, I suppress things I’d dearly love to say sometimes.

This could be nothing more than another story about a dinner and married couple not treating each other well, except that Broad at Bat then takes what she sees with Sandy’s behavior and extrapolates from the specific woman to women in general.

The scary thing is, Sandy isn’t any different from MANY women we know. MA-NY! I have sister-in-laws who do the same kind of belittling and condescending treatment to my brothers and it makes me want to puke. If we counted up all our friends who do this, I’ll bet it’s over half. Even Sandy’s best friend spent more time rolling her eyes and clucking and admonishing her husband for his behaviour at the table, than anything else. She actually — I swear to god this is true — on their way out the door that night she apologized to us for her husband’s behaviour. While he stood right beside her! I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I told this woman I had only just met that I thought her husband was charming, he hadn’t been the least bit inappropriate, and she had no business apologizing.

Doug concurs with BaB, drawing on his own personal experiences:

If you’re a woman you can not imgine what it does to a man to be treated to the kind of abuse that BaB talks about. Society expects men to be strong, in command and there are a thousand ways to punish a man who is not, all of them designed to make him feel a failure. I’ve known so many men who have suffered enormous amounts of emotional abuse at the hands of the woman they loved. Why do they stay in the relationship? Some of the same reasons women stay in abusive relationships: insecurity, love, fear of failure, children (men do not stand a chance in a custodial battle), financial reasons, broken spirit. Many men in such relationships live lives of quiet desperation, sick at the thought of stayin, afraid to leave, afraid if they do they’ll never have another partner, marked loser for life, some invisible cabalistic sigil planted on their forehead that only women can see and immediately reject them as a loser not worth her attention. Oh, most men have experienced that feeling well, but we don’t talk about it.

In my life I must have moved in different circles because most of the couples I’ve known seemed to treat each other with respect, affection, and humor. Not all–I have seen just such a woman that BaB describes. And while I may concur with BaB that I haven’t seen this as much with men treating women that way, that’s usually because with these men, the ‘little woman’ is left at home to care for the kids.

Still for the most part, the couples I’ve known treat each other decently in public. So much so that when they break up, it amazes me sometimes. But then, I know that many people were astonished when Rob and I broke up because we got along so well. We still do — heck we’re roommates.

However, to say that this type of behavior is predominately female, or that it occurs in many women, is to take the responsibility of ‘people behaving badly’ off the individual and place it on a gender, and that’s something I just can’t agree with. But then, I was an abuser myself, long ago, so perhaps I can’t really speak on this issue.

My first husband was an amazingly handsome man — black hair, brilliant blue eyes, the strong bone structure of his Native American heritage. He was tall and lean and moved like a panther and I was swept off my feet and into marriage far too quickly. And too young, being only 16.

Steve was not an unintelligent man, but he was an uneducated one, having suffered from learning disabilities and finally dropping out of school when he was 15. He was very sensitive about this, and in particular, his difficulty with reading. I, on the other hand, loved to read and had been reading since I was five and counted books as some of my best friends.

Steve worked but didn’t want me to work because this just wasn’t done in his family. So after he went off in the morning, I would do whatever baking I had planned for the day, do the house cleaning, and whatever else needed doing, and then I would spend some time either walking in the fields surrouding our house, or reading. We lived in the country and I didn’t know how to drive, and we lacked television reception, so I didn’t have many other options.

The county had a library system whereby a person could fill out requests for books and they’d be mailed. Then when we were finished, we would put them back into the envelopes provided, and mail them back. It was perfect for me, because I didn’t have to pay postage, and I could get books without being able to visit the library.

When Steve came home from work, to sit down to his home cooked meal (and I was, and am, a good cook), he’d talk about his job, what this person or that said or did. About the only thing I had to talk about was what I had read that day, so I would talk about the books. I used to love talking about whatever book I was reading — sharing the characters and the experiences one feels as the words wrap around one.

(I still do to this day, though I am reluctant to bore another individual with my ramblings, which is why all of you are blessed with my many writings — lucky yous.)

Now, I imagine to BaB, this would seem that I was taunting poor Steve — him with his reading disability, me with my love of, and discussion about, books. It was not the intended purpose, but perceptions are so dependent on the person. Regardless, Steve felt that I was ‘making fun of him’ and forbade me to have any more books in the house. Not one book.

Of course, I could disregard what Steve wanted and just continued with my reading as is, but I was dependent on him, in more ways than one, so I tried to give up books. I would fail, at times, and sneak one in, hiding it from him, but only rarely; only when I was desperate. To fill the hours, those long, long hours, I obsessed about ‘making’ things — once spending three months making Christmas stockings out of felt and hand embroidering and beading each individually, for everyone as a Christmas present.

This state couldn’t last and after a few years, we divorced. Since that time, I have developed this oddball habit of reading three or four books at a time, leaving them laying face down (I know, librarians cringe) here and there, even in the bathroom. And my mom says its a shame that I stopped doing embroidery, because my work was astonishing in its detail.

When BaB talks about Sandy’s behavior to Mark, I do empathize with Mark, and wonder why he doesn’t leave his wife if their marriage is so much hell. I empathize with anyone in a marriage where the partner is abusive, physically or mentally or emotionally. However, they do have a recourse: they can leave.

Easier said then done? True, especially when there are children involved. But it is doable, and in our society people have the legal right to not live in an abusive relationship. If Mark choose to do so, then perhaps there is more to the story to Mark and Sandy than meets the eye, but we’ll never know because the only facet we know of this relationship is what we’ve heard,

Doug writes of his own experience being emotionally abused, and brings up the concept of a person who is easy to abuse:

Guys like me are very easy to abuse. We love fully, unconditionally. We care deeply for our partners and we do not like confrontation, in fact we avoid it at all costs. That’s what happens to non-alpha type males in this society, if you can’t strut your stuff and rise to the top of the pecking order you better be non-confrontational or you’ll be destroyed. That makes it very easy for women to abuse us emotionally, making you feel even more like a loser.

I have to disagree, but respectfully, with Doug about a woman making a man feel like a loser; the only person who can make us feel like a loser, is ourselves.

I’ve also never believed that one should love anyone unconditionally, and this includes our parents, children, and especially our significant others. To do so is to put too high a trust on the other, which forms an unreasonable demand that the other never do anything that could cause harm. But what is harm? To a kid in high school, harm is not being able to stay up all night with his or her friends. In my first marriage, the ‘harm’ was me talking about books because my husband has a reading disability, and therefore I should give up one of the joys of my life in the interest of his self-esteem. Harm is not being perfect and never making mistakes, and not sharing equally all the enthusiasms of your partner.

Loving unconditionally also means that you stay with a drunk, even if they go back to the bottle; you don’t kick your kid out for bringing drugs and drug dealers into the same house where his young, pretty sisters sleep; you pretend not to see that your partner is sleeping around.

Unconditional love is a burden and a cage, on both partners, and one that I’ve rejected, absolutely and completely; so much so that I am ambivalent about now having another long term relationship. I have found a beauty, fragile as the finest Fleur de Sel, in those times of loneliness I experience, and I hesitate to challenge the balance I’ve been able to achieve in my life between wanting to be with another and being content to be only with myself.

But I digress. To return to BaB and her statement that ..when it comes to public degradation and disrespect, it happens way more than my stomach can handle, and always by the women , says as much about the person making the statement, as it does the statement being made. For instance, does BaB see this preponderance of mentally abusive behavior in other women she knows because it really exists in the people around her? Or does she only ’see’ this behavior in women, because doing so sets her apart? In her own words:

I, as usual, end up leaving to go sit with the men before I say something and make any more enemies. Not that doing that endears me to other women much either, though. Sigh.

(emph. mine)

Perhaps if BaB sat with the other women a bit and actually talked with them, she might find the answers she so earnestly seeks.

Categories
Connecting

You must wear appropriate behavior at all times

Recovered from the Wayback Machine.

When I read that the Indian Ocean quake had altered the earth’s rotation slightly and may have even caused the earth’s tilt to wobble a bit, my first reaction was to write a post pointing to this writing at Jonathon Delacour’s, referencing the comment he made last year about …the only way “the planet will slow on its axis, stop, and then slowly begin to rotate in the opposite direction”? is if I switch back to the Macintosh. I was going to ask in the post if he’d received his new Mac yet, but just as I titled the post and was about to publish it, I came to my senses.

“Horrors! What are you thinking, Shelley!” I remembered the condemnation that met Robert Scoble’s post on Sunday, when he wrote in complaint about the lack of first hand experience coming out about the tsumani:

It’s really disappointing. Citizen Journalism is really failing here. Almost no first-hand reports.

Scoble actually had to take a vacation from weblogging a day or so, as penance for his words; returning with link after link related to the earthquake, like doves of peace scattered across his page. If the reaction to his words was scathing condemnation, imagine what the reaction to mine would have been?

So I then thought about just sending Jonathon a quiet little email, pointing to the planetary wobble and asking if he’d received his Mac. After all, I’ve known Jonathon for years, surely he wouldn’t think that my comment showed that I was indifferent to the tragic nature of this event. I thought if anyone would understand the nuances of black humor, it would be him.

But I hesitated. Yes I’ve known Jonathon for years online, and have helped him through server-side issues, as he’s helped me with design; exchanging emails, phone calls, even books and music. We are friends as much as anyone can be in this disconnected environment. But I’ve never met Jonathon, face to face, and black humor is one of the most subtle and complex communication forms that exists (though the Shaklee Relief Pack comes close). I had to ask myself would he really understand the nature of my note, without there having been direct interaction between us? Or would he think that I was being, as Robert was to later call himself, “an insensitive boor”?

In the end, I didn’t write the post, or send the email. Perhaps this is just as well, because now I’m reading comments such as the following, in a post by Dori Smith:

How was the geek dinner tonight? I ask you that also regarding the recent tragic events in South Asia! Was it mentioned and if yes, was there some fund raisings for all the poor having lost shelters and loved ones?

or in a post at Joseph Duemer’s (who has been involved in rather fascinating cross-weblog comment discussion, more of which I will write about later):

Hey Joe, how about pouring those prodigious verbal energies into attention to our neighbors in South Asia? Lest the wail of suffering make all of us look small.

How uniquely 2004: the wisdom of the guardians of our conscience now being delivered to us as comment spam.

Categories
Critters Diversity

The lion walks tonight

Today I took Zoe to the vet for her six months checkup, both for her rare seizures and her slightly enlarged thyroid gland. The doctor and I talked about putting Zoe on Phenol Barbital, a small risk anti-seizure drug for cats. However, roommate and I are hesitant to start her on a lifetime medicine when her seizures are about one every two years.

We spent a fairly long time chatting, which unfortunately made the doctor late for her next appointment. In the office afterwards, paying the bill, a large, heavyset man stormed out of one of the waiting rooms into the reception area, complaining bitterly about having to wait 20 minutes for the doctor.

After he stormed away, I apologized to the receptionist and she said not to worry about it; that his behavior wasn’t uncommon with men, especially middle aged men, as the place is very female centric and this brings out the male need to assert their dominant status.

I hadn’t noticed before, but the cat clinic does have a strongly feminine environment. All the doctors and assistants and other office workers are women, and the décor has a very feminine, feline feel to it–not to mention that all the cats that wonder around the office are also female.

All except the newest addition to the office — an eight week old orange tabby kitten that jumped up on the receptionist’s keyboard when she was making out my bill (”Well, your bill is now 362.00 dollars”); and then jumped up on the counter and immediately planted it’s tiny paws on my chest, gazing at me with eyes gold and round and very intense.

Entranced, I stroked and coo’d, which he seemed to take as encouragement, for it launched itself down from the counter to the floor (me catching it halfway, because that was a heck of a jump), and he immediately went over to Zoe’s carrier and started batting at her with his paws through the wire.

Zoe was hunkered down in the corner in misery, as she always is when at the vet’s and ignored him at first. But he was having none of this and after about a minute, she was nose to nose with him, each softly batting at each her, she as charmed by this wonderful little character, as I was.

I asked the receptionist who the new kitten was, and she said he was another abandoned kitten, dropped off at the office. The clinic won’t turn any cat away, and after making sure they’re healthy and nicely social, the workers manage to always find a home for the orphans. It took every ounce of self-control — every ounce! — not to pop up with, “I’ll take him!”

The receptionist turned back to the bill, dropping the eight blood tests that the kitten had added with his dance on the keyboard, while I watched the kitten gambol about the room. Suddenly, we hear a door slam, and heavy footsteps stomping down the corridor.

It’s the Big Man again, and he enters the room, drawing his breath to start huffing and puffing about his importance and how his time is valuable. However, the kitten spots him from across the room, makes a mad dash straight for him, and then with a flying leap, plants his tiny little kitten claws into the mans polyester pants, and starts climbing his leg, for all its little worth.

The man was startled, and sputtered out in surprise, looking down at this little kitten hanging off his leg, looking up at him. After just a moment of man and kitten staring at each other, the kitten jumps down from his leg, and glaring equally at me and the receptionist, the man storms off without saying a word. The kitten watches after him a moment, and then starts its mad dash around the room again.

The receptionist and I look at each other, both trying not to laugh; a resolve I couldn’t maintain when she turned back to the bill, casually tossing out about, “…knowing who’s the dominant male in the place is now, don’t we?”