They shoot squirrels, don’t they?


Many experts believe the red/grey/white tension is simply a by-product of the longstanding White Squirrel War and Black Squirrel Squabble that have long raged in the U.S. And, as these conflicts make clear, it is not just squirrel infighting that threatens to explode into an orgiastic, terrorist bloodbath. Squirrels are increasingly making humans the victims of their savage and cowardly terrorist acts. In fact, for every bad deed done to man by man, or man by nature, I can cite five that are the work of squirrels.

For example, an undoubtedly cute squirrel terrorist sabotaged a power transformer in Tampa, Fl. last week, according to Tampa Bay’s 10. His deliberate action caused close to 2,000 Tampans to lose power for up to four hours but was restored, the piece emphasizes, “by ten p-m.”

Some animal lover might claim this act was not deliberate. To them I say, “You’re nuts.”

How else to explain a coordinated squirrel suicide attack in Kansas City — one-thousand miles away — on yet another power transformer on the same day? The KC squirrel’s terrorist act caused 1,700 customers to lose power.

Another 2,000 electrical customers also lost power recently in Brighton, Ma. after still another squirrel attack on our power supply — this one carried out in spite of security measures like “squirrel guards” taken to prevent such terrorist acts.

Attacks on our power supply and petty crimes (such as theft of household bird feed) have not proven sufficiently vile acts for squirrels, though. They have begun to target humans with direct physical assaults. In Leominster, Ma. last month a squirrel attacked a police officer who was attempting to arrest the squirrel’s human minder. As this gripping slideshow of the carnage makes clear, the squirrel is now caged, the officer’s surname is “Flowers,” and the latter was mocked handily by his peers.

From Squirrels: They’re cute, they’re fluffy, and they must be stoped

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