Categories
Just Shelley Writing

When Truth Conceals, Lies Reveal

Recovered from the Wayback Machine.

So many excellent comments associated with my previous writing, Shadow Talk, as well as exceptional writing in other weblogs such as Jonathon’sDorothea’sAquarionicsElaine’sLaura’s, and (soon to be) Chris’s. I only wish I could do justice to the debates because there’s a rich story unfolding among all the different views, but I’m not sure I’m the one to tell it. All I can do is give my own understanding of the topic of ‘truth in weblog writing’ and that’s difficult enough as it is.

When I tell a story from my past I try to describe events accurately; however what results is inevitably ‘tainted’ by my personal viewpoint of the event. Someone else reading my story might say, “I don’t remember it that way”, and I’m sure they’d be equally correct. Chances are a videotape would prove us both wrong.

The important part of the story isn’t necessarily any individual fact; it’s my experience of the event, my image of it, which I then share with my readers; to me, the image is the truth, though the facts, if recorded, might not completely agree.

Am I practicing a deception if my view of the events differs from the actual facts? No, because what I’m writing, my feelings and responses, they are very real. They are the essence of what I’m trying to convey with my stories.

Of course, one could say that this isn’t the same as deliberately creating a story and putting oneself into it. After all, the former is nothing more than writing from our own personal perceptions of an event, while the latter could be said to be writing from a lie. From …bits of alibis and consistent lies, as Jonathon would say. Still, I’m not so sure the two are that different.

A few weeks back I wrote about two essays — one by Virginia Woolf the other by Annie Dillard — that had enormous impact on me when I read them in college years ago. The subject was the same, a first person narrative about watching the death of a moth; but each writer’s written description and interpretation of the event differed enormously. In Woolf’s the moth dies nobly, quietly, and with dignity, while Dillard’s moth died with passion, with a fierce resistence, burning brightly at the end.

I would give anything I own, including the soul I don’t believe in, to be able to write as well as both of these women did in these particular essays. However, if you were to tell me that the incident of the moth really didn’t occur for either author, that they ‘made it up’, it wouldn’t matter a bit to me. I would still love these stories as much, and they would still have as profound an effect on me.

In my comments Language Hat brings up a very valid point about the introduction of fiction into our personal narratives:

Most of us, on the other hand, use fictionalization as a means to make ourselves look better or somehow impress others, and since we don’t have the insight and imagination of a Joyce or a Faulkner, the results tend towards a homogenized “story-telling” mode that can be mildly amusing but doesn’t hold the attention for long.

I agree with Language Hat, this type of fictionalization becomes all too obvious at some point and rather boring, even embarrassing. I saw this once with another weblogger, someone who I haven’t read in a long, long time. But then, I’ve also seen this happen with webloggers who have no idea that they’re ‘fictionalizing’ themselves. They cast themselves as the heros, the shining knights, in their own stories and they are no less sad for all their belief that they are being ‘honest’. (I have a lowering thought that I’ve done this a time or two myself.)

If another weblogger tells me that they’re an agent for the FBI, working undercover to hunt terrorists, but in actuality, they’re a security cop at a mall, I would be furious, and they would be foolish, because that kind of lie will out. The same as saying you’re not married when you are, or that you have children when you have not, and so on. Even saying you have a cat, when you don’t, is a foolish lie that has nothing to do with writing, literature, or weblogging for that matter. A person pretending something they’re not isn’t writing, but a sad admission that they think little of themselves.

This type of lie, this personal fictualization as Language Hat so aptly calls it, is completely different from the subtle storytelling in the essays about the death of the moth I mentioned earlier. In these, it doesn’t matter if the event was real or not because what the writer was feeling, the thoughts and images they wanted to communicate with these stories were very real. More so, the stories reveal rather than conceal the author. They didn’t seek to hide behind the story of the moth — they sought to use it to tell a story about themselves, and how they experience life. Both writers used the moth to describe their own fears of death, their own views of how they see themselves dying. And that’s as authentic as you can get in writing.

I think this is the point that Beerzie Boy was making when he said:

I like to think that for myself, when I change facts it is fairly superficial as far as the “factual” aspect, and the purpose is usually to make the underlying meaning (theme? message?) more concise or clear. In my view, changing facts for self-aggrandizement is intellectually wrong, but it really hurts the writer more than the reader; generally if writing is insincere it undermines a work’s artisic qualities.

I’m not sure if the story of the moths is the same as Jonathon’s bits of alibis and consistent lies. He’s the only one can answer that and I am looking forward to hearing his answer, and exploring the concepts further, if he chooses to share them. Regardless, I have a feeling that Jonathon’s ‘consistent lies’ are closer to who he really is, and far more authentic, than recent posts that focused on the war in Iraq, for all their truthfulness.

Categories
Weblogging Writing

Shadow Talk

Recovered from the Wayback Machine.

I have a shadow, created by no form of mine. It follows me everywhere, but always arrives first, and lingers long after I’m gone.

The more light I shine on it, the stronger it gets. So I hide it among my other shadows, in hopes that one day, it will fade away.

 

I was tickled, tickled I say, to see that Jonathon is continuing the discussion Steve started about weblogging and (l)iterature. Not only is he continuing it, he ups the ante in bold, relieved defiance of weblogging protocol:

That’s it: where my own interests lie. In other words, hardly anything to do with telling the literal truth; and everything to do with fashioning an authentic persona from bits of alibis and consistent lies.

…bits of alibis and consistent lies. Jonathon is truly a rebel in our midst – threatening to bring a story teller’s narrative into this land of raw id and Venerated Truth. A year ago, I would have been appalled. In fact, a year ago I was appalled – it was one year ago when the infamous Oblivio Duck Sign incident happened, and Jonathon first brought up the concept that not all of this is as it seems:

Yet, even though I don’t regard Oblivio as a weblog, others might. I suppose it could be mistaken for a weblog, just as Michael Barrish could be mistaken for a real person. He probably is a real person since he also uses the website to solicit web development work (though he maintains separate sites for each purpose, for reasons he explains in the story Motherfucker ). But Barrish is also a character who appears in his own stories. As does Rachel, his girlfriend. Whether she really exists and whether she’s his girlfriend is impossible to determine, without knowing Michael Barrish. Even then, the real-life Rachel may bear only a fleeting resemblance to the Rachel in the stories. (Just like the women in some of my stories.)

At the time my response was:

Of all possible outcomes of yesterday’s writing, what I didn’t expect is that the story that originated my passion might be allegorical rather than experience. I am left wondering whether I am a sophisticated patron of the arts or an incredibly gullible fool. And that’s the inherent danger of mixing the art of creation within the context of experiential recounting.

In this day of weblogger meetups and get-togethers, and discussions of digital identity and authentication, the thought that a weblogger would write as a narrator, crafting stories and putting him or herself into them must seem almost blasphemy. But whoever said that authentic and true were one and the same?

I rejoice in Jonathon and Steve and their defiance and most of all their literature. The writer has been too long superceded by the journalist, the gossip, and the community node.

Categories
Writing

When useful talk fails

I re-read my last post and wasn’t overly happy with it. I think I missed the points I wanted to make, or I should say buried them. However, it might have some use as a unifying document – either all sides will hate it or they’ll all be equally confused about what I’m trying to say. The thing is full of verbal switchbacks.

I am running out of useful things to say about the situation in Iraq and must now resort to gibberish. However, I take some comfort in knowing that I’m in highly placed company in this regard.

Categories
Just Shelley

Long Week

Too hot tonight. My bedroom’s under the attic and once the heat soaks in, it wants to linger awhile. However, as warm as it is, it’s way too early for the air conditioner.

I obliquely (there’s that word again) mentioned a job interview and contract offer this last week. I haven’t said yay or nay on it yet, but will most likely say nay. First, there’s the hourly rate 30% lower than my minimum hourly rate. And when the group decides not to fill a ‘lower paying’ job and have me do it in addition to the duties of the job I interview for, but don’t put this burden on the guy going for the same position (with less experience), well, I just don’t know if I’m hungry enough for the job. I once mentioned I was worried about finding a job, and here one is. But there is some shit I will not eat.

One good thing about this experience though is that it’s forced me to make some decisions I’ve been putting off. One was a financial one, and the other has to do with profession.

The computer technology field has one of the highest burnout rates of any profession. At some point, you just get tired of punching in the code, or learning yet another new technology, yet another new language, or specification, or tool, or model, or whatever.

In the last 20 years I’ve worked on 14 computer books, written I don’t know how many articles, spoken at conferences and worked at companies like Nike, Intel, Boeing, Harvard, and so on—actual work building big systems and small. I’ve worked with 20 different programming languages, on most major operating systems, against most databases. Yet after all this, when I interview for a senior developer’s position, and interview well, I’m still given what amounts to tasks that are normally assigned to project assistants. This wouldn’t be terribly significant if the guy I interviewed with shared in the tasks, but such is not the case.

Was the reason for the discrepancy because of gender bias? Because I haven’t worked in a position for a year? Because I was too easy going in the interview, and not arrogant enough? I don’t know. But I think the real reason why is that I’m burnt out on the profession, and it shows.

I read Sam Ruby’s weblog and Mark Pilgrim’s and Danny Ayers and I see this wonderful interest and enthusiasm for the technology they write about. At one time, I would have joined in, but lately, there just isn’t anything there. Between one moment and the next, it was gone.

Oh, I still like to tinker, and I have a fun and whimsical article on RDF and poetry and photographs I’ve been working on — but my days of typing code into a computer from within a cube are gone.

The odd thing is, rather than being sad about what is the end of a 20 year career, I actually feel relieved. More than relieved. Sometimes you just have to face the fact that you need a change. That maybe you would be happier building furniture, even if you make less money.

Of course, this means I also have to face some tough financial facts, too, which I also did this week. My creditors will be paid, just much more slowly. I still have to find work, but the focus of the work will be changing. For instance. one job I am looking seriously at is teaching English in South Korea, work I’m exploring with the expert help of Stavros the Wonder Chicken.

I’m also exploring the option of returning to school, but I’m not sure what I would study. My interests are, in order: writing, photography, history, politics, cooking, marine biology, and astrophysics. And I’m lousy at math so we see how far I would get in astrophysics. Let’s face it, cooking’s about the only interest guaranteed to get me a job in this lot. Maybe I should run for office? Would you all vote for me? Are you in my district? If I studied writing, I can find out my writing errors. Same with my photography. Photo Journalist, perhaps? Lot’s of call for them I bet.

The possibilities for the profession are endless. The possibilities for employment are less so, but change isn’t easy. If it was, chaos would be order and order would be chaos.

Joking aside, this was not a lightly arrived at decision. And, being honest, I’m more than a little nervous about it, and about my future. I need to work, I need to pay my bills, and I need to feel worthwhile. I just can’t code anymore.

Through these weblogs I’ve read about the experiences involved with changing professions from people such as Jonathon Delacour and Jeff Ward and Allan Moult. Others such as Dorothea Salo and Steve Himmer begin new adventures in academics, or move to new locales such as Stavros and Gary Turner. Even among those that stay in the same field and country, sometimes decisions that are difficult but necessary have to be made. Decisions not always aimed at putting money in one’s pocket.

Through their willingness to share their experiences with their writing I am both encouraged, as well as forewarned by frank discussions about the difficulties. Starting over again at 48 is both exciting and scary. If I can only figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

You know, all of this is just a long winded way of saying I don’t got code.

Categories
Writing

Someone to watch over me

There’s a somebody I’m longing to see
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who’ll watch over me
I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood
I know I could always be good to
One who’ll watch over me.

Although he may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key!

Won’t you tell him please to put on some speed?
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me!

George and Ira Gershwin “Someone to Watch over Me”

Frank Sinatra Snippet

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