Recovered from the Wayback Machine.
Weather Underground has predicted that we could get snow this week. I haven’t driven in snow before, and since I didn’t learn how to drive at my Daddy or Mama’s knee, I had to figure out what do do when driving in winter conditions all on my own.
I’d thought I’d share my knowledge with you.
Burningbird’s Guide to Driving on Ice and Snow
I figured out the worst hazard facing you when driving on ice is that your tires will stick to the ice and your car will come to a complete and unexpected stop. So the trick is not to let your tires stick to the ice.
When driving on ice, go as fast as you can. Not only will this decrease the chances of your tires getting stuck to the road, the friction from your quickly rotating tires will help melt the ice underneath you. Now it may not look like this as you drive, but that’s just because the ice freezes up again once you’re past. However, you can follow other cars as closely as possible and benefit from their tire ice melt effect.
When you stop, stop suddenly. This allows your tires to build up heat in front of them and that’ll melt the ice, enabling you to come to a safe stop.
Same with going around corners — go as fast as you can, and try and jerk the wheel as hard as possible. Doing this will cause your tires to “bite” into the ice, and give you traction. If for some reason, though, you do find yourself slipping when you turn a corner, brake and yank the wheel, to get both a friction and a traction effect.
If you’re driving in snow and you get stuck going up a hill, step on the gas and spin the tires as hard as possible. This will build up a little hill of snow behind your tires and give you the push you need to get going — kind of like those things that runners brace against before a race.
If you come to a side street that hasn’t been plowed yet and looks to have considerable snow on it, don’t worry! Your car is big and you’ll be able to break through that snow without any problems. After all, it’s only frozen water.
I know that some people say that you shouldn’t drive at all in blizzard conditions, but that’s the best time of all to drive: no one else is on the road!
If you do find a motorist that’s ended up in the ditch, wrap a length of chain around your fender and theirs and pull them out with your little 4-cylinder engine. If for some reason this fails, tell the driver of the car to hold on to your bumper — you’ll tow them into a station (Note this doesn’t work if the driver is wearing heels.)
If you do live in a wintery clime, build yourself a winter survival kit — box of matches, can of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup, and a chocolate bar should do you.
There it is: Burningbird’s Guide to Driving on Ice and Snow. I hope you find this helpful.
Note: Burningbird will not held liable if you follow these rules and your car ends up looking like an accordian ran over by a volkswagon that’s being run over by a truck, being hit by a semi. After all, I’m Burningbird — what the hell do I know about driving in snow?
