The Missouri geek camp and bar-b-que

The time, 5:15 pm, August 19th. The place, St. Louis, Missouri….

“Good afternoon campers, and welcome to GeekCamp 2005!”

Happy Camper One: “Yeah, yeah, hi, hi, where’s the air conditioning?”

Happy Camper Two: “It is so hot, my fucking TiBook is melting.”

Happy Camper Three: “Hey, don’t stand so close! You’re sweating on my iPod!”

Happy Camper Four: “You take a picture of me right now when I look like this, and I will hurt you. ”

Happy Camper One: “What’s the Flickr tag for this anyway? ‘hellcamp’?”

The time, 11:45 pm, August 19th. The place, a bunch of tents on a lawn, in St. Louis, Missouri…

From one tent: “What bit me! Something just bit me!”

From a second: “What was it?”

First: “Some kind of brown spider. It was in my sleeping bag, and when I crawled in, it bit me!”

Second: “Wow. That’s like, really too bad.”

First: “What do you mean, that’s like really too bad!?”

From a third tent: “Where did it bite you?”

First: “On my ankle, just above my tatoo.”

Second: “Well, then, that’s okay. You wanted to get rid of that tatoo anyway.”


The time 6;45am, August 20th. The place, a big outdoor tent with lots of tables and chairs.

Overheard: Do I want some grits? How would I know? What the hell are ‘grits’?

Geek A: “So what sessions are you going to?”

Geek B: “There’s a hands-on session on Google maps and satellite tracking I’m going to this afternoon. Should be awesome.”

Overheard: Do they serve pork at every meal here?

Geek A: “That one is held outdoors, you know.”

Geek B; “On the other hand, the session on weblogging, should be fun. Can never attend too many sessions on weblogging.”

Overheard: What is that crap you’re eating? Biscuits and what? Looks like something you’d see on the sidewalk in the Mission District.

Geek C: “There’s a Dukes of Hazzard gadget car demo this morning that sounds cool.”

The time, 4:00pm, August 20th. The place, the asphalt in front of a big building, in St. Louis, Mo.

Sunburned Geek One: “Hey, I had a chance to meet with Larry Page!”

Sunburned Geek Two: “Cool! What was he like?”

Sunburned Geek One: “Well, I don’t know. When I walked up to him, his face was really red and clammy looking, and his eyes were kind of glazed. When I said, ‘Hi’, he sort of gurgled and then fell over.”

Sunburned Geek Two: “Wow!”

Sunburned Geek One: “Yeah, last time I saw him, they were taking him away on a stretcher.”

Sunburned Geek Two: “Man, poor guy.”

Sunburned Geek Two: “So, did you get your picture taken with him?”

The time, 4:15pm, August 20th. The place, the same asphalt, in St. Louis

Sunburned Geek Three, walking up through the tall, tall grass: “What are you guys doing, standing on that hot asphalt instead of the grass.” Shakes head, and starts walking away. “Jeez, you losers.”

Sunburned Geek One (whispering): Should you tell him, or should I?

Sunburned Geek Two (whispering back): No, let’s wait until he gets completely covered, then we’ll tell him.

The time, 9:00pm, August 20th. The place, kegger, right next to tents.

Slightly drunk, sunburned, geek camper A: “All they got to drink is Budweiser.”

Even more drunk, sunburned, geek camper B: “Well, it’s made here so it makes sense that’s what they would serve.”

camper A: “Tastes like piss.”

Stumbling, drooling, geek camper C: “You guyz shuuld try the stuff in the jars.”

camper B: “What stuff in what jars?”

camper C: “Ish over there” Pointing. “Shee? The clear stuff. Oh hey! Thars roast pig butt over there.” Weaves away.

camper A: “Let’s go try that clear stuff.”

camper B: “Okay, I’m game.”

Suddenly, a voice raises above the noise of the crowd…: “Oh my god, I’m blind! I’m blind! I can’t see! I’m blind!

camper A looks at camper B. Camper B looks back.

camper A: “On the other hand, I like Bud.”

camper B: “Yeah. Cool horses.”

The time, 4pm, August the 21st. The place, the large meeting room at Geek Camp.

“Well campers, I want to thank you for coming, and we hope you got as much out of this event as we did.”

You are really covered in bug bites. Do they itch?

“This year’s GeekCamp was the best ever!”

I heard that Page was running down the hall at the hospital, bare ass naked, tapping people on the head and crying out, “You’re a 6″, “You’re a 8″.

Better sell your Google stock.

elsewhere: I’m peeling so much, I look like a snake.

Yeah, but at least you’re not blind. I heard…

“It’s going to be tough to beat this year at next year’s GeekCamp.”

You couldn’t get me back here if you paid me.

You could promise me links from both BoingBoing and Slashdot, and I still wouldn’t come back.

I wouldn’t come back even if they filled the room full of VCs with money to burn.

“Unfortunately, next year we’ll only have space for about half of you, so we won’t be able to invite some of you back…”


“Now wait just a minute!”

“I was really looking forward to returning next year…”

“How could you say that we’re not invited back…

And so ends the Missouri Geek Camp and Bar-B-Q for 2005…

Just a little southern geek humor…

Print Friendly, PDF & Email