Categories
Healthcare Photography Writing

Listen to our bodies

Recovered from the Wayback Machine.

After my cleaning frenzy last week, I woke up the next morning with hands that hurt so much I couldn’t use them. I then realized that by increasing measure, I’ve had aches and pains in my hands, my wrists, my feet, and recently my back and even my shoulders. Downing Tylenol and Advil and increasing my nightly drinking did not seem to be an effective way to deal with this problem.

The new doctor I have was very good about getting me in right away. When I met with her, I pointed out the possibility that the increasing pain in various parts of my body could be due to the tick bites I’ve suffered the last couple of years. Though Lyme Disease is rare here, there are Missouri-based variants that exhibit similar symptoms.

My doctor, a lovely young woman originally from India, gave me a gentle smile and nodded as I talked, no doubt thinking all the while about how the Internet is more trouble than it’s worth at times. She asked me several questions about other aspects of my health, took a close look in particular at my hands and wrists and then asked me if there was a history of arthritis in the family.

Well, my Dad has arthritis but that came with age as he got older. She asked if there was any rheumatoid arthritis in the family, and I told her not that I know of. I am familiar with rheumatoid arthritis because the uncle of my first husband suffered from an advanced case of it; his hands were very distorted and he could only wear slippers.

She had me undergo tests, yes even for tick diseases, but told me that from my po’me tale (not her words, my own editorial addition), and the appearance of my hands that I am most likely suffering from rheumatoid arthritis.

Well, in a way it’s nice to know that I’m not a hypochondriac assuming much with each slight pain, but I’m not sure how happy I was to give up my exotic illness. After all, it’s much more interesting to write about a disease picked up from treks through the wild woods of Missouri, then to write about a disease that happens because life dealt me the short straw in this instance.

She gave me some anti-inflammatory medicine to use, which does help, but only to a point. In addition to medicine and applying cold and warmth and wrapping the wrists and even fingers at times, she also told me that I will have to cut back on the amount of time on the keyboard.

Now, for a writer, this is a problem. I spend on an average 10-12 hours a day at the keyboard, either on my books or articles, or writing to this weblog. If I cut back, I’m going to have to restrict most of my keyboard time to work that brings in income, which means less time to the weblog. This was something I had to think about, give myself time to wrap my mind around the idea.

Ultimately, though, I think this is going to be a healthy thing for me. I do need to spend less time on the computer and more time ‘out there’. And my body has just decided to enforce this decision. However, this will mean changes.

For one thing, I won’t be able to sit at my computer and program for hours, like I used to a few years back. This might restrict some of the things I’ve been wanting to try, but I haven’t been in the mood to tech tweak for the longest time anyway, as demonstrated by the still non-existent Poetry Finder. (As noted in comments attached to Loren’s lovely post referencing Emily Dickinson’s use of the robin in her poetry. No worries about being reminded of the Poetry Finder, Loren. BTW, when did that ‘Vote for Bush” sticker start showing up on your weblog pages?)

I will be writing less online, but there are numerous advantages to writing less. One that springs instantly to mind is that I’ll have more time to think about what I’m writing, which means I probably won’t get into as much trouble. Perhaps “Burningbird” will become “Simmering Bird”. Maybe even “Thoughtful Bird”.

Additionally, there are alternatives to writing through a keyboard that I have been wanting to try for some time, such as using a recording device to record my thoughts while I’m out an about. With the new speeech recording software, the recordings can be converted into text and I can use this to help me create my weblog posts, or even to do my books. No reason I can’t use it to help write my books.

Even more interesting, I don’t have to convert the recording to text. Though sound files aren’t effective for all the devices people seem to use to read weblogs, and can be unfriendly to modems, still they are an alternative technique to typing into the computer. In fact, I recorded my first audio blog using the built-in mic on my computer, and shareware software I downloaded from the Internet. The post was a lark, just a ramble, and ended up being truncated at 3 minutes, but I had fun doing it. I just need to figure out how one can talk like one writes. There is no textual varation for pausals such as ‘uhm’. I’ve also found, with myself at least, that writing imposes form, which leads to coherency. I am concerned that all my audio posts will end up being blather.

On the bright side, though, I can actually record the sounds to go with the pictures I take.

Speaking of pictures, I’m also going to have to restrict my film camera photography because the cameras are heavy enough to cause a great deal of strain. Still, that removes the guilt from spending time with my digital camera–my lovely lightweight digital camera–even though the photos I take can’t be sold. Who cares if I can’t sell them, they’re fun.

Eventually, along with my audio recording device I’ll pick up a a digital SLR camera that’s lighter than my film cameras, and can take publication quality photos. But for now, I can write metaphorically through sound and sight. My only concern is for those who have audio impairments, but hopefully they have sound-to-text conversion software they can use. And I’ll still write. Have to shoot me to get to stop completely.

In the meantime, more flower photos from the Orchid Show currently happening at the Missouri Botanical Gardens, in St. Louis. You can see one posting with all the photos here.

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Categories
Just Shelley

How are you tonight?

Recovered from the Wayback Machine.

Just peachy. How are you?

I opened the refrigerator and found it and everything in it completely covered with diet Coke. Diet coke with lime, to be exact, a brand new flavor I’m trying (but regret ever so much because I feel as if my tongue has been dipped in furniture polish after drinking a can). The can had been pushed back next to the wall of the refrigerator on the top shelf; combined with a full freezer resulted in the can freezing and then bursting in a beautiful explosion that managed to cover everything quite nicely.

After I had hauled everything out and cleaned down the sides and shelves with soda-water, I noticed that I had a series of jars with only a dib of this and a dab of that so I tossed them. I then noticed that several other things had passed expiration, so tossed them, too. I washed the eggs off and lined them up neatly in the door, and put everything away, dairy here, cokes there. In the front.

But what’s a clean inside if the outside is dusty, and stained.

Nothing shows up dingy cupboards like a clean refrigerator.

When was the last time I moved the microwave and cleaned thoroughly underneath it?

Why is it that stainless steel sinks stain?

The oven smokes so when I use it. Sets off the fire alarm.

The cans and boxes in the open pantry shelves along the wall are all disorganized, and older stuff has been pushed to the back.

You know, I really love copper, it’s my favorite metal. That huge copper vent and hood over the freestanding stove has years of grime and tarnish covering it . I wonder what it will look like polished and clean?

The birds are building nests. Look at that silly finch trying to haul that huge piece of weed across the ground. Easier to see when the windows in the french doors are clean.

The floor. Nothing better than a freshly scrubbed and waxed floor.

Now I’m left with the can, which I’ve decided to keep. It’s a pretty can. It reminds me of nights when I wake, unexpectedly. It looks familiar.

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Categories
Weblogging Writing

Sleepless in St. Louis

If you were up in the wee hours of a St. Louis night, last night, you would have noticed me publish and then pull a couple of posts, which I then re-published this morning. Last night was another difficult, sleepless night for me, and sometimes I write things I’m not sure I want to publish: the first because it does reflect on friends of mine (and concerns that I’m breaking a confidence); the second because sometimes in the wee hours of the morning, I am a moral coward.

However, I’ve been assured that no confidences have been broken in regards to the first, and as for the second, in the morning I am always a tigress, hear me roar. I may be inspired by the night, but I’m emboldened by the morning.

My sleepless nights are due in some part to attempting to live life as a writer, as Halley Suitt puts it. Though I want to make further comment on her geographical ruminations in a later post, for now I can agree with Ms. Suitt when she writes, It’s not easy to make a living being a writer. Even being known, especially being known primarily in weblogging circles, is no guarantee of success when it comes to selling books or articles.

(Especially not when you write a book on something like RDF and most of your readers aren’t technical, aren’t interested in RDF, or both, as sales seem to indicate. I should either write about sex, dieting, or having sex while you are dieting.)

Unless you’re JK Rowley or Stephen King, most fulltime writers live in a permanent state of hunger; spending an amazing amount of time thinking of new article and book ideas, looking for new publication sources, and searching for other sources of income in between those times when actually working on one’s current book (three chapters of which will earn the next installment in the advance and thus one can pay for one’s car, not to mention that the kitty cat needs to have her teeth cleaned).

Categories
People Writing

Me and Emily: Sweet Whispers of the Betrayer

Did Emily Dickinson mind that only eleven of her works were published during her lifetime? From her letters, one would assume that she didn’t because she talked about family and friends and seemed content. For all the talk about her being reclusive, she did have the close proximity of her beloved brother and sister all her life, in addition to her long correspondence and relationship with friends and other family members.

Yet what of Emily’s letter to Thomas Wentworth Higginson in response to his Letter to a Young Contributor? To his challenge to young poets, she wrote:

Are you too deeply occupied to say if my verse is alive?

The mind is so near itself it cannot see distinctly, and I have none to ask.

Should you think it breathed, and had you the leisure to tell me, I should feel quick gratitude.

If I make the mistake, that you dared to tell me would give me sincerer honor toward you.

I inclose my name, asking you, if you please, sir, to tell me what is true?

That you will not betray me it is needless to ask, since honor is its own pawn.

With this letter she also enclosed four poems: I’ll tell you how the Sun rose, Safe in their Alabaster Chambers, The Nearest Dream recedes unrealized, and We play at paste:

We play at paste,
Till qualified for pearl,
Then drop the paste,

And deem ourself a fool.
The shapes, though, were similar,
And our new hands
Learned gem-tactics
Practising sands.

It’s difficult not to think that someone who writes, Are you too deeply occupied to say if my Verse is alive? is indifferent to what others would perceive of her work. However, one extremely thoughtful paper that I found at Kangnam University in South Korea, states that Dickinson never wanted to be published. What she wanted from Higginson was permission not to publish, to quiet the voices of those who hounded her to send in her work. This is somewhat supported by the fact that, with one exception, the poems she did publish were sent to the publishers without her permission.

Higginson, began a many year correspondence with Emily after that unusual opening, becoming one of her most cherished friends. Yet read what he writes about his initial reaction to Emily’s letter:

The letter was postmarked “Amherst,” and it was in a handwriting so peculiar that it seemed as if the writer might have taken her first lessons by studying the famous fossil bird-tracks in the museum of that college town. Yet it was not in the slightest degree illiterate, but cultivated, quaint, and wholly unique. Of punctuation there was little; she used chiefly dashes, and it has been thought better, in printing these letters, as with her poems, to give them the benefit in this respect of the ordinary usages; and so with her habit as to capitalization, as the printers call it, in which she followed the Old English and present German method of thus distinguishing every noun substantive. But the most curious thing about the letter was the total absence of a signature. It proved, however, that she had written her name on a card, and put it under the shelter of a smaller envelope inclosed in the larger; and even this name was written–as if the shy writer wished to recede as far as possible from view–in pencil, not in ink. The name was Emily Dickinson.

And it was from this reaction that Higginson recommended to Emily that she consider changing the form of her poems to fit the accepted patterns of the day; to ‘regularize’ them, as it has been termed.

Emily’s response back was a letter that contained the fateful sentence, Thank you for the surgery- it was not so painful as I supposed. Taken in the context of the entire letter, it seems more optimistic than not but looked at in its singularity and we can see a finality to Emily’s dreams of publication — instead of embracing her form and publishing her work, Higginson had recommended that she remove those distinctive aspects of her writing.

Thank you for the surgery- it was not so painful as I supposed.

This sentence takes on a new dimension when one looks at her earlier publishing experience. Her first published work was a mock Valentine called “Magnum bonum”, sent without her permission to the Amherst College Indicator by her close friend (and one of the many supposed loves of her life) Ben Newton. The gratification of publication was somewhat lessened when Emily saw that they had corrected her punctuation.

Her second publication, again a mock valentine, but this time a poem, “Sic Transit”, was sent without her knowledge to the newspaper, the “Springfield Republican”. Again the work was published anonymously, and the introduction was flattering. Again, though, the paper ‘regularized’ Emily’s work.

This was to continue with all of Emily’s works up until she wrote her first letter to Higginson, and on receiving his recommendation to alter her writing style, she responds with, “Thank you for the surgery- it was not so painful as I supposed.”

I worked for chaff and earning Wheat
Was haughty and betrayed.
What right had Fields to arbitrate
In matters ratified?

I tasted Wheat and hated Chaff
And thanked the ample friend –

Wisdom is more becoming viewed
At distance than at hand.

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If Emily but put her mind to observing proper form, she could have been famous within her lifetime. Her choosing not to do so was a source of frustration to many of those around her, including Higginson, who would write of another poem sent to him:

Here was already manifest that defiance of form, never through carelessness, and never precisely from whim, which so marked her. The slightest change in the order of word–thus, “While yet at school, a girl”–would have given her a rhyme for this last line; but no; she was intent upon her thought, and it would not have satisfied her to make the change.

When viewing Emily Dickinson in a modern context, I can’t help thinking that she would look upon the Creative Commons Licenses with horror. After working so hard to maintain the nature of her work, to then freely allow someone else to alter her work based on their own artistic interpretation? Impossible? Unthinkable!

Even slight changes in punctuation would leave her feeling both angered, and betrayed. She would never understand. As she wrote back to Higginson in her third letter:

If fame belonged to me, I could not escape her; if she did not, the longest day would pass me on the chase, and the approbation of my dog would forsake me then. My barefoot rank is better.

You think my gait “spasmodic.” I am in danger, sir. You think me “uncontrolled.” I have no tribunal.

Would you have time to be the “friend” you should think I need? I have a little shape: it would not crowd your desk, nor make much racket as the mouse that dents your galleries.

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Some — Work for Immortality –
The Chiefer part, for Time –
He — Compensates — immediately –
The former — Checks — on Fame –

Slow Gold — but Everlasting –
The Bullion of Today –
Contrasted with the Currency
Of Immortality –

A Beggar — Here and There –
Is gifted to discern
Beyond the Broker’s insight –

One’s — Money — One’s — the Mine –

In many ways, Emily’s refusal to conform in writing style was of a piece with her defiance against the Church; her refusal to be ‘born again’ as it were, manifested in some of her most satirical, and brilliant, work.

Now I lay thee down to Sleep-
I pray the Lord they Dust to keep-
And if thou live before thou wake-
I pray the Lord thy Soul to make-

While away at school, she was the only student who would not conform to the accepted religious beliefs of the time and was marked so. Later at home, all around her those she loved and admired succumbed to the same church she could not accept, until even the mildest reference of it would invoke her wrath. She and her brother and sister received a letter from a cousin that spoke glowingly of the Church, and her brother had to reply that it would be best that any correspondence of this nature be addressed only to him and Vinnie, because the topic would drive Emily into a rage.

Thus the brother who was always Emily’s most trusted confident, became the first of many who would act in Emily’s interests, though the act would itself seal and set Emily’s status of Outsider.

God gave a Loaf to every Bird –

But just a Crumb — to Me –
I dare not eat it — tho’ I starve –
My poignant luxury –

To own it — touch it –
Prove the feat — that made the Pellet mine –

Too happy — for my Sparrow’s chance –
For Ampler Coveting –

It might be Famine — all around –
I could not miss an Ear –
Such Plenty smiles upon my Board –
My Garner shows so fair –

I wonder how the Rich — may feel –
An Indiaman — An Earl –
I deem that I — with but a Crumb –
Am Sovereign of them all –

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Emily Dickinson was an explorer in her youth, vivacious and outgoing. She once joked in a letter about her ‘devastating beauty’, and later at school would compose letters that were signed by all her friends. But her writing, as with her views on religion, would set her apart, and over time, the adventurer would withdraw ever inward.

Susie–

You will forgive me, for I never visit. I am from the fields, you know, and while quite at home with the Dandelion, make but a sorry figure in a Drawing–room–Did you ask me out with a bunch of Daisies, I should thank you, and accept–but with Roses-“Lilies”-“Solomon” himself-suffers much embarrassment! Do not mind me Susie – If I do not come with my feet, in my heart I come-talk the most, and laugh the loudest-stay when all the rest have gone-kiss your cheek, perhaps, while those honest people quite forget you in their Sleep!

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However, the world of words was still Emily’s and she continued to write her poems (sewed into little booklets known as fascicles and stored away, secret from prying eyes), and her letters to friends. She put much of herself in her writing, trusting the confidence of the recipient, because, as she noted in her letter to Higginson “…honor is its own pawn.”

But Emily’s reliance on Higginson’s confidence was misplaced. He would share her letters with his friends, going so far once as to take her work and her letters to a meeting of women scholars, trusting that to keep the writing anonymous would not be a breach of honor. More, he called her his “partially cracked poetess at Amherst”, and an act of fun among his intimate acquaintances was to emulate Emily’s writing style in writing letters to each other.

Look back on Time, with kindly eyes –
He doubtless did his best –
How softly sinks that trembling sun
In Human Nature’s West –

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We talk from time to time about the animosity with which we write about each other, in postings in our weblogs and in comments or elsewhere. We cluck our tongues and go, ‘Tsk, tsk’ at the act and condemn those who would speak so bluntly. But consider the alternative–that the words of fun or condescension, delight or despair are hidden; whispered words just beyond our hearing. No harm you might think if you don’t hear the words and are not impacted by them. However, no matter how skilled we are at writing, we are not so skilled at disseminating, and the words will eventually bleed through–a half-understood inside joke, or a knowing wink in writing.

I can think of few things more painful, or more betraying, and I don’t have half the sensitivity that Emily had. Or her perception with words. Emily must have known.

They might not need me yet they might
I’ll let my Heart be just in sight

A smile so small as mine might be
Precisely their necessity

A few years before her death, her oldest nephew died, and two month’s later Emily’s brother Austin, began an affair with Mabel Loomis Todd, an act that Emily felt painfully and deeply because of her love for her sister-in-law, Susan, and her esteem for her brother.

Mine Enemy is growing old –
I have at last Revenge –
The Palate of the Hate departs –
If any would avenge

Let him be quick – the Viand flits –
It is a faded Meat –
Anger as soon as fed is dead –
‘Tis starving makes it fat –

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Emily Dickinson sickened one last time and died peacefully at home, cared for by her sister, surrounded by those she loved. At her quiet memorial–she refused church services–Susan said:

To her life was rich, and all aglow with God and immortality. With no creed, no formalized faith, hardly knowing the names of dogmas, she walked this life with the gentleness and reverence of old saints, with the firm steps of martyrs who sing while they suffer. How better note the flight of this “soul of fire in a shell of pearl” than by her own words—

Emily Dickinson had left instructions with her sister to destroy all the letters she kept and all her writings, but when Lavinia found the trunk with all of Emily’s poems, she couldn’t bring herself to destroy them.

She asked Susan to edit them for publication, but Susan never followed through, and Lavinia finally turned to Higginson and Mabel Todd Loomis–yes that Higginson and that Mabel Todd Loomis–to edit the poems for publication.

Mabel did so, but only after altering them to fit the standards of the day, and after the publishers broke apart Emily’s careful little booklets, and arranged them in categories popular at the time. It was not until the 1950’s that Thomas Johnson began the work to publish the poems in the original form.

After reading so much about Emily Dickinson, I wonder about the act that saved her work. Did Lavinia betray her sister in saving the poems for publication? Or was the act redeemed when the poems were returned to their original form?

As for our own culpability, do we betray Emily when we read her poetry these many years later when each poem should have been its own bit of flame and ash? Or would it be a greater betrayal not to read them, and cherish their uniqueness?

“People say a word dies when it is written by the pen,
but for me that word’s Life is just about to begin.”
– Emily Dickinson

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Categories
People Writing

Pulling Emily from the noise

I have two other Emily Dickinson posts planned, just waiting some fresh new pictures to complete. I took photos on a nice long walk today, and will head out tomorrow for an even longer hike, and by the weekend, Emily will ride these pages again.

In the interim, Loren has a lovely post today on Emily and hopefully other posts to come.

Today’s walk was to begin to push myself more after the fall I had a month ago. I am developing a hesitancy in going on more unfinished trails, and that won’t do – once you start developing a nervousness on trails, you will end up hurting yourself again.

The trail wasn’t particularly difficult, but rocky at times and some sloping. I was exhausted by the time I was finished, having to take such caution to keep from twisting my foot even a little. But the weather was lovely, and tomorrow promises better, and I need the air and to feel my muscles stretched.

In fact, today would have been perfect if I hadn’t turned my computer on when I got home. I don’t want to go into details, but I did pull a couple of posts, primarily because I just wasn’t up to the potential of the comments in either. There is more than one way to write on a topic and one way can lead to thoughtful discussion, and the other not, and I don’t think either of the posts I pulled was worded towards the thoughful side. Maybe they were. I’ll have to think on this, and maybe I’ll repost, minus a comment or two (with permissions).

More than that, though, I’m having a lot of problem with someone who is literally stalking me in other people’s comments. Someone who has been in my comments off and on for close to two years now. His presence started out friendly enough but became increasingly erratic, and very uncomfortable. Normally he would only comment for a while and then move on, but he wasn’t moving on this time and got very, very nasty in my comments. I finally had to ban him from not only my comments, but from even reading my site. In fact, I blocked an entire range of IP addresses to keep him out.

Well, he’s now taken to writing some pretty outrageous stuff in comments in other weblogs. It is uncomfortable, but more than that, I’m not sure where this is going to go.

If you get a person in your weblog comments who starts to write about me totally out of context, can you please let me know? In fact, if you could delete the comments, I would be grateful. I hate to ask people to delete comments, but believe me, even without having a name, you’ll know him by the type of comments he makes.