Burningbird

Recovered from the Wayback Machine.

It was stormy last night, stormy today. Stormy and wet.

I’m at my computer at the window, overlooking the street when I see a young man dressed in sweats running down the street. Running full out, as if he’s chasing something. I stand up and look out the window and watch as he meets up with another young man, also wearing sweats. I wonder if they’re fighting but they seem amicable. I then wonder if they’re playing some form of adult keepaway.

One looks up the street, points a finger, and takes off; the other follows. In front of them is a small brown/gray body running like mad. I think perhaps a cat or a dog had gotten loose and they’re trying to catch it.

The gray body runs under a car and then out, and I realize it’s a squirrel. They’re chasing the squirrel. They’re chasing all the squirrels, all over the neighborhood–into trees, under cars, down the street.

The squirrels are scared to death and the young men are laughing, having a grand old time, faces red with their effort.

I run downstairs and open the door and when they start past, I ask them why they’re chasing the squirrels.

“We’re bored,” one replies. “Nothing else to do”, says the other.

I tell them to knock it off, they’re scaring the squirrels.

“There’s nothing wrong with scaring squirrels”, one says. The other yells out, “They shoot squirrels in this state.”

I said then they should get a gun and shoot the squirrels. The one says, “You think it’s better to shoot the squirrels than chase them?”

I do.

I tell them to stop, now, or I’ll call management. I also tell them to grow up. My roommate says this won’t stop them, but I disagree. They have something else to do now, in their boredom: bitch about the woman who yelled at them to knock it off and grow up.

Many experts believe the red/grey/white tension is simply a by-product of the longstanding White Squirrel War and Black Squirrel Squabble that have long raged in the U.S. And, as these conflicts make clear, it is not just squirrel infighting that threatens to explode into an orgiastic, terrorist bloodbath. Squirrels are increasingly making humans the victims of their savage and cowardly terrorist acts. In fact, for every bad deed done to man by man, or man by nature, I can cite five that are the work of squirrels.

For example, an undoubtedly cute squirrel terrorist sabotaged a power transformer in Tampa, Fl. last week, according to Tampa Bay’s 10. His deliberate action caused close to 2,000 Tampans to lose power for up to four hours but was restored, the piece emphasizes, “by ten p-m.”

Some animal lover might claim this act was not deliberate. To them I say, “You’re nuts.”

How else to explain a coordinated squirrel suicide attack in Kansas City — one-thousand miles away — on yet another power transformer on the same day? The KC squirrel’s terrorist act caused 1,700 customers to lose power.

Another 2,000 electrical customers also lost power recently in Brighton, Ma. after still another squirrel attack on our power supply — this one carried out in spite of security measures like “squirrel guards” taken to prevent such terrorist acts.

Attacks on our power supply and petty crimes (such as theft of household bird feed) have not proven sufficiently vile acts for squirrels, though. They have begun to target humans with direct physical assaults. In Leominster, Ma. last month a squirrel attacked a police officer who was attempting to arrest the squirrel’s human minder. As this gripping slideshow of the carnage makes clear, the squirrel is now caged, the officer’s surname is “Flowers,” and the latter was mocked handily by his peers.

From Squirrels: They’re cute, they’re fluffy, and they must be stoped