Steve Jobs High

Invited to speak on technology and education, Steve Jobs decides to let loose on teachers unions of all things, as the thing most harmful for schools. Not once does he exhibit any understanding of the differences between unions, teachers associations, and the concept of tenure as a separate entity, he blasts away making the statement about how schools should be managed like a corporation.

Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs lambasted teacher unions Friday, claiming no amount of technology in the classroom would improve public schools until principals could fire bad teachers.

Jobs compared schools to businesses with principals serving as CEOs.

“What kind of person could you get to run a small business if you told them that when they came in they couldn’t get rid of people that they thought weren’t any good?” he asked to loud applause during an education reform conference.

“Not really great ones because if you’re really smart you go, ‘I can’t win.'”

So let’s take a gander into the future of education ala Jobs, Dell, and the other bobbing heads of technology; all of whom for some completely unfathomable reason, seem to believe that they even a modicum of understanding of what is wrong with education in America.

In the near future, at Steve Jobs High:

Schools are no longer funded via questionable referendum; with administrators having to scrabble for a few dollars from the tight fisted wealthy living in mansions along the bay. No, the state is billed a set fee for each child. Some people bring up the fact that the fee is four times what the average costs per child of other school systems, but the Steve Jobs Parent-Teacher-Fanboy association decry such disclaimers, hinting at shills from the competitive school system, the Bill Gates Academy for Really Bright People.

Students are given a choice of classes. The subjects taught to all students are the same, but the color of the classroom varies: from orange to pink; lime to classic white and black.

The class on ethics and financial management was canceled, due to lack of interest.

Students needing extra help can make appointments at the genius bar. If the help needed goes beyond providing simple answers to equally simple questions, the student should be packed for an extended stay at the advanced Apple Education Center. If parents have not signed up for the extended Apple KinderCare program, they will have to pay for such help–regardless of whether the child’s problem arose because of individual ability or flaws in the curriculum.

Twice daily fire drills are mandatory.

The school’s basketball team had to disband because of no place to play. There is a school gymnasium, but the shiny plastic floor scratches too easily, and the janitorial staff threatened to quit if they had to maintain it.

When you ask your child’s favorite class, they can’t decide whether they like iLunch or iRecess, more. No one really likes iMath, but anything is better than being sent to the Office.

Students must sign an NDA not to reveal anything they learn while attending Steve Jobs High.

All the administrators are men. In fact, pretty much the entire staff is male.

Writing is considered outmoded, and all communication occurs through brightly colored logos on touchscreens, or via Hello Kitty screenreader.

There are no books. Instead, each student is given a Mac loaded with iTunes and podcasts. The one where Scoble explains the basics of astrophysics is quite popular.

This is your child’s teacher. You hate having to attend parent-teacher conferences.

You no longer worry about your kids having sex: a steady diet of curved, hard white plastic, Disney films, and Justin Timberlake singles have combined to effectively eliminate your child’s sex drive.

Until he or she is 50.

The school uniform is faded blue jeans and unisex black turtleneck sweater. You notice that your son has a permanent stubble on his chin and it bothers you. Not as much, though, as your daughter getting a permanent stubble on her…never mind.

When signing your child up for school, you notice a twice size poster of Steve Jobs over the registration desk. You wonder why you never noticed before that he looks like a cross between Mr. Rogers and a really evil pixie.

All history before 1984 is purged from the school system. Who needs old shit, anyway.

Though this new school system of the future takes some getting used to, parents can feel confident that their children are getting the best education money can buy. Only the finest teachers survive in a competitive environment, managed under a rigorous, lean, and authoritarian process.

It’s a little tough when you first have to offshore your kids to China, but in the end, you’ll find it worth it.

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